It’s 7:21AM on 5/31/25 – I probably have—nope.

***** Five minutes later****

I was just going to say that I probably have about five minutes until the rain starts but as I was typing those first words the wind really picked up and the drops started falling. I was in the cockpit (my favorite place) but needed to get inside so the computer (and me) didn’t get wet. I don’t want to be wet right now. And I have a choice to not be wet. So…I choose to stay dry. And clean.

I choose. We choose.😊

Friends, I feel compelled to write this morning because the messages we are getting from all of you about our decision to sell the boat have been incredibly (!) supportive and kind. And…the tone of them is sympathetic and encouraging in a way that makes me think that YOU think we are feeling down.

Uh, Holl, you LITERALLY wrote that you “cried when you told your brother” and you “cried when you pulled in the anchor.” I believe that those two sentences clearly indicate that you are sad about this decision to sell the boat, no? And based on a few posts ago when you told everyone that “you were a mess,” I believe that these very kind friends of yours were understandably left with the impression that you are really broken up about this. What were they supposed to think?

Right, right. Good point, self. Sorry.

Friends, yes. Yes, I AM sad. WE are sad. And when I wrote that, I was still really conflicted. Truthfully, part of me is still a bit conflicted. I mean, did you see (!) that jaw-dropping dolphin video??? But now……we are more..….unburdened. Lighter. Gosh, there are so many feelings (!) to this—it’s complicated. Not black and white at all. Hmmm…I don’t know how to say this, and I hope I’m doing it in a sensitive, non-offensive way, (please forgive me in advance…) but I imagine (?) that we are feeling a sliver—a very, very small sliver because it’s not even remotely on the same scale—of what it might (?) feel like when a person makes a decision to get a divorce. That person likely isn’t jumping for joy. It’s sad. The divorce is happening because, at the very highest level, the marriage probably wasn’t what that person expected/wanted. But a divorce is the “right” thing to do in that person’s mind because in the long-term it’s likely better for that person’s health and happiness and future. And the person making the decision knows that—which is why the decision was made in the first place—but it comes with a spectrum of emotions and reflections and wonders and “what if’s.” Again, it’s complicated.

So, friends, before I go any further, I feel that I need to tell you that we are GOOD! We are truly doing well. The collective happiness level of our family has definitely gone up since we made this decision. We are currently docked in the member-owned-and-operated Port Canaveral Yacht Club Marina (it sounds so fancy and pretentious but let me tell you these people are down-to-earth and awesome!) and we are able to take showers and run our air-conditioner. We have not had to monitor our batteries. We have not had to check our anchor alarm. If we feel so compelled, we can use the flush toilets at the marina instead of our pump handle toilets (you know, actually flush the toilet paper down the toilet). There is an unfussy but lovely outdoor sitting area near the office with a very comfortable couch and two friendly cats.

*Port Canaveral Yacht Club - the friendliest group of sailors you’ll ever meet.*

When we pulled in, we had FOUR (!) hot and sweaty volunteers happily waving to us and waiting to help us dock and tie our lines. And…the best of all….

*drumroll, please*

…there are TWO (not one but TWO!!!) FREE washing machines and dryers!

Be still my heart! *Place fake dramatic tears here*

Friends, I have never—in my entire life—been happier to see a washer and dryer, much less a FREE washer and dryer. I mean, is it Christmas??? That fresh, Tide scent and crisp feel of still-warm, clean laundry is blissful—BLISSFUL!—when you have been without it. When the laundry came out, I just hugged it (oh hell yeah I did!) and breathed in that divine, oh-so-fresh scent!

*chuckle* I washed ALL of our clothes. All of our sheets. All of our towels. Our comforter. I even folded a stranger’s laundry (I know you’re wondering but afraid to ask - black Hanes briefs) because A) I needed to put my clothes in the dryer and B) I didn’t just want to put his clothes in a pile on the shelf. I was so damn happy to be doing laundry. I enthusiastically sweated bullets in that super hot, tiny washroom oasis/sauna for most of the day on Friday just because I could. And then after I sweated and sweated and sweated….I took a REAL shower. Ahhhh. Joy! (And yes, the black-Hanes stranger came up to me as I was folding his second load and apologized to me because he fell asleep and had planned to pull the laundry out of the dryer when the cycle was done and told me I didn’t have to fold everything for him but he was so grateful to me for doing that and I assured him that I didn’t mind at all and that I put the $5 bill that had surfaced in the dryer inside of his sock and we became friends and all was well with the world…)

*I mean…look at my face! Have you ever, in your life, seen anyone so happy to be hugging gigantic bag of clean laundry?*

It's strange. Not a lot has happened on the surface since I wrote that last post, but so much has happened internally. All of us are getting our spirits back. Granted, some spirits were more intact than others (Oooo! Lightening flash! Something extra exciting about seeing lightening on a boat 😊), but all of us were, at the very least, physically tired. And—oh, have I mentioned this—dirty.

I don’t know where this post is going (I rarely do), but there are a few things that I’d like to say/clarify:

1) Thank you—my deepest, most profound, most hearty and heartfelt “thank you.” This blog has been so (unexpectedly!) meaningful to me, a true source of joy and connection. I realized during that conversation with Sara and Laurie that aside from its very simple intended purpose of keeping friends and family updated on our happenings, this blog has actually turned out to have significant value to me. All of you have been witnesses to both—BOTH—our struggles and joys. To me, it feels like all of you have shared this journey (so far!) WITH US. I haven’t had to explain anything because you already know the story. Perhaps the best example of this was when I was in St. Louis while Addie was at Space Camp. I went to work at St. Louis Arc to see my team and friends. When I was there, I saw my friend/co-worker, Lisa. She dropped everything she was doing (on a super busy day, no less) and, as if she had somehow bottled up all of her support and encouragment and love for months just for this very moment, she gave me a giant, slow, supportive, knowing hug. When someone else who didn’t know our story kindly asked “hey, Holly, how is the Caribbean?” her protective inner Mama Bear came out and she immediately jumped to my rescue, as if she was pulling me back from crossing a busy street. She politely but firmly responded for me with “it hasn’t been what they expected so far,” and shut down any further questions. (Lisa, I told my kids about that moment and they love you even more now 😊). The support and encouragement that has come from all of you has been nothing short of immense and surprisingly powerful.

One of the goals Steve and I had/have for this adventure was to show Sid and Addie that kind people are everywhere and that the people of the world—even with all of our problems—are mostly good. YOU have been a major data point for that lesson. Thank you.

*Addie baking banana bread. When she was doing math the other day, she kept saying “Mom, guess what? I’m clean!”*

I have a few other things to clarify, but since I screwed up by only giving you part of the story on the “I cried when I told my brother, I cried when I pulled up the anchor” part, I don’t want to make the same mistake again (although to be fair to myself, that was a few days ago and I was really struggling with it when I wrote that post…). I feel like I’m leading you down an incorrect theme of “this is ending.” My “thank you” above was very much taking on a “we’re wrapping up the adventure” tone. So, let me interrupt myself here and tell you that this adventure of ours is NOT remotely over. Boat or no boat, the Swift Family adventure will continue in some way, so don’t AT ALL think that you are getting out of reading this dumb blog anymore, Friends! Didn’t you read the fine print? You’re stuck with us now for as long as this adventure continues—no matter what happens! 😊 PDCA. Plan-Do-Check-Adjust. We are in the “Check-Adjust” phase and about to move back into “Plan.” But more on “plans” later.

Another item to clarify: In that last post, Steve was joking when he said I had been a “terrible” wife. I thought that was clear, (I mean, seriously, how could I be a terrible wife? Ha!) but wanted to make absolutely certain that you knew that he was joking. (And, duh, of course I can be a terrible wife…)

*We ran out of paper towels. Thank you Port Canaveral Yacht Club for letting us have a few extra to get us by until we got to the grocery store.*

There is still a lot of thought and reflection happening. What hasn’t yet gotten crossed off of our “hopes and dreams for life on the boat” list? Can we accomplish that in another way? Or do we need a boat? And if so, do we need this boat? What do we want to do next?

Ironically, during this time of reflection and recovery we are surrounded by a lot of cruise ships here in Port Canaveral. It has brought back A LOT of memories for Steve and I. As we were slowly passing by one of the ships yesterday on our way back in from parasailing (See? I promise we’re still having fun 😊), Steve was pointing out the Bridge, the area of the ship where Steve used to work, to the kids. I pointed out the area that was likely the Cruise Director’s office (I don’t want to overstate my rank here. I only rose to be the Sr. Assistant Cruise Director but our entire department shared that office).

I pointed out the shuffleboard area on the Lido Deck where my teammates and I held one of the many Holland America Line Olympic events on our 35-day cruise to the South Pacific. I told them how their dad and I occasionally watched breathtaking sunsets from the oily, dirty, industrial stern mooring deck and Steve pointed out all of the mooring lines coming from that deck. We pointed out the tender boats that their dad used to maintain with his team of sailors. And how Dad would arrange to have hot split pea soup for his team as a special treat, coordinating their break to occur during Alaskan scenic cruising so the Indonesian sailors could enjoy the hot soup with spectacular views from the tender boats on the side of the ship. We pointed out the circle porthole windows just above the water line—one of those used to be Dad’s cabin. Where was your cabin, Mom? Me: Oh, you can’t see my cabin. My cabin was underwater and didn’t have a window…that’s why I started dating your dad. 😉 Both Sid and Addie can unequivocally recite the story of when their dad “almost drove the Statendam into a volcano” because they’ve heard it so many times but they had never been up-close with a cruise ship before and it was fun to tell them about our former lives with a visual aid. (For the record, Steve did NOT actually almost drive into a volcano. He turned the ship when we were still a quarter of a mile away but it’s a pretty funny story. Our friend Carmen, the ship’s photographer—not to mention many grateful passengers—enthusiastically singed her eyebrows and nose hairs for some award-winning photos of Mt. Kilauea that night. *chuckle* But that’s a story for another day...).

*Oh the memories of working for Holland America Line….*

It's interesting. Reality doesn’t always match the vision. Working on cruise ships is a perfect example of that. On the surface, one would look at the job I had and be incredibly envious. In essence, I got paid to travel to exotic places, play games, have drinks with passengers and make lifelong friends from all over the world. A. Mazing. And most of the time, it really was. Why did we ever stop living that life?

Because there’s a flip side. The flip side of that life is that I was “on” (and always-smiling, whether I was internally smiling or not) from 7AM until 1AM almost every day. The number of times I had passengers come up to me while I was scarfing down pizza after hurriedly tearing down the mini golf obstacle course and before rushing to my next game of Scattergories and I would hear the well-intended joke of “wow, Holly, they let you eat?” from a friendly passenger were countless. I learned on cruise ships that I never, ever want to be famous. Ever. Or I could tell you the story of Spit Christmas 2005. That’s another one that my kids could recite by heart. But again, story for another day. Regardless, the pros of working on a cruise ship far outweighed the cons in that chunk of our life for a long, long time. But then, one day, they didn’t. And we shifted.

There’s always a flip side. Every night Steve would have the 8pm-12am watch. Every night during that same time, I would be working and greeting people for the shows, mingling, playing DJ, hosting James Bond Trivia, etc. We never had a typical, down-time evening together. Steve and I would often joke that someday we want to have “normal” 9-5 jobs where we could sit on our future couch in sweatpants and watch a movie together. Many times, through the years on completely ordinary nights, we would joke that we are “living the dream.” Simple things. But we appreciate them so much more after the experiences we have had.

Hmmm…in this real-time moment, I’m remembering that I was the one who was ready to stop our cruise ship life. I don’t know that Steve was ready. After all, it was his career. He had lived at sea for ten years by that point. But, we discussed it and, together, we decided to move back to land. He willingly gave up everything—his country, his lifestyle, his career—for me and moved to St. Louis. I still marvel at the sacrifice involved in that decision.

Now he is the one who was the initial catalyst for this move back to land. (And was also the catalyst for this crazy boat adventure in the first place—thank you, Steve!). And, together, we have made the decision to move on.

Together. We make decisions together. That’s how we roll.

In this moment, he just (jokingly) insulted me about how I lost one of our good water bottles the other night. He is smiling and laughing. Ahhhh….it feels so good to see him smiling and laughing again.

I have peace, my friends. We have peace. Some sadness, but peace. We are holding onto what is most important and letting the rest go. I had to bear the temporary pain and fear of breaking up with Charlie all of those years ago, for the hope and belief that somehow, someday, I would find someone even better-suited for me down the road. And, thank God, I found him. And I’m holding on tight. The boat? Yes, I’ll absolutely miss her and all that she offers to my family. A lot. But…we can always charter a boat. And Layla will surely make another family very happy. After all, now she’s all fixed up and ready to go. 😊

Our family definitely has more adventuring to do, my friends, we just need a few weeks to dream of what that could be. And now that we’re refreshed, we have our typical Swift energy and enthusiasm to dream big again. Stay tuned, Friends! More from us soon. Right now, we’re off to explore the Kennedy Space Center!

*At the Kennedy Space Center in Cape Canaveral. “Choose your journey.” Seemed fitting.*

*Sid landed the lunar module twice in a row. I know this seems easy but it was REALLY hard for the rest of us.*

Some people long for a life that is simple and planned
Tied with a ribbon
Some people won't sail the sea 'cause they're safer on land
To follow what's written
But I'd follow you to the great unknown
Off to a world we call our own

Hand in my hand
And we promised to never let go
We're walking a tightrope
High in the sky
We can see the whole world down below
We're walking a tightrope
Never sure, never know how far we could fall
But it's all an adventure
That comes with a breathtaking view
Walking a tightrope

With you

“Tightrope” by Michelle Williams, The Greatest Showman

5/31/25 - Tightrope

5/27/25 - The Pivot?